SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
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If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Oceanography is all about current events
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.