My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
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I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
[shakes fist at other fist]
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought