Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
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A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
If you love someone, let them tweet.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.