If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
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Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on