My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
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both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Mouse
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s