[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
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I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s