The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
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[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Always a metermaid never a meter
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money