Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
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Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
The first one, obviously
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.