You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
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I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
can’t catch a break
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.