{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
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One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Modded the new Gran Turismo
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Happy Thanksgiving
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!