Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
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My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.