Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
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If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.