Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
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If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.