maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
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New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best