“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
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Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Beware…..
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.