Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
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[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa