On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
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back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
cats when you pet them too long:
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED