At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
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Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.