Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
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DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
why no one uses midhusbands
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.