My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
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Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)