The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
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I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too