I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
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My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
worst…sale…ever
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!