God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
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I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.