KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
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What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
I’m not wrong
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Me as a therapist: omg same
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”