Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
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My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it