Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
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*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.