I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
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DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.