I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
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so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Hmm, not sure about this change
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.