[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
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ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
I’d rather go liquor treating.