There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
You Might Also Like
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
*gets down on one knee*
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Social Media and Real life
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
relationship goals
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?