Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
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Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Lmao 🤣
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about