Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
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8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”