Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
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Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void