me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
You Might Also Like
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Steam Forums
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
I think we should hear other voices.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.