I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
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Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
what the hell pray for carter everyone
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-