Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
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My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.