The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
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I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
*seductively eats two tums*
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
The pen is writier than the sword.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.