Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
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Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
this is the best day of my life
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”