Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
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if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”