Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
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I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly