The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
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my proudest tweet
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
There’s no “u” in narcissist