Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
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You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Fries, not lies.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”