Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
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I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
who will stop them
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.