Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
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Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend