If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
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People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
…żyje?
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.