You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
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If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Who called it baking and not making love
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
I’m so full I could puke a horse
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing