[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
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Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*