Mornin
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Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light