Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
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perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”