That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
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We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
My neck my back my allergy attack
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.